I am not sure how this will come across to people. Probably with mixed reactions.
It's often difficult to portray what we really intend on a blog - especially when one's blog has gone from being an upbeat, regular "topical" piece to an almost non-entity !
However, as I am having a problem writing much at the moment, I wanted to acknowledge that and to also acknowledge that I am sure there are many others feeling the same, but perhaps not wanting to voice their thoughts.
It's Christmas, and usually at this time of year I am well into the festive spirit with shopping like crazy, making sure I have all the foodstuffs that I know won't even be eaten, but have to have because its Christmas, playing carols and singing with the kids etc. I have to admit that I can hardly believe that it is Christmas Eve and I have only just put up the tree this year (and a very small one at that) I have presents not wrapped and every advert on the TV for the "magical" day leaves me feeling more useless and unworthy of my family and friends. "Do what YOU want to do- not what you think you should do" they keep telling me.
What do I want to do ?
I do not wish to be patronising and I am not looking for sympathy. I am also intent on making sure that I am not spoiling others preparations and excitement. Just expressing what I am feeling at the moment in the hope that it may help someone else who possibly feels the same. I will be at the carol service tonight at church, I will be giving and receiving presents tomorrow and no doubt I will be playing charades. But it will be an "unreal" experience.
Why? I don't know.
Am I just a miserable old grouch who needs to "pull herself together" ? I am trying to, though not very successfully. There are many, many people with many, many more problems than me. Am I just selfish and self centred ? Probably.
(5 years ago I went and volunteered at "Crisis" in the shelter in London, and realised that a lot of other volunteers, though doing a vital job for the people using the services, were also doing a bit of self therapy . I couldn't do that over the last few years for numerous reasons.)
As someone said to me yesterday, somehow this year has been deflating for so many, so I know that I am not alone in this feeling. It is the general mood of the country, my friend feels, and it has affected us all with stores closing, people losing and fearing for their jobs, and the general atmosphere of needing to "cut back". When we do, we feel even more Scrooge-like. She is a wise friend, and I believe it is true what she says.
Despite this doom and gloom I am writing, I do wish everyone an enjoyable and peaceful Christmas. The children's pleasure and excitement will rub off on me and give me the sense of purpose that perhaps I am lacking and erase a little of the cynicism that comes with commercialism...and age !
I hope that the real message of the season shines through for whatever reason you celebrate. Perhaps, next year will be better - at least it is likely to be different - and that what I and some others are feeling is a learning experience. That is, "they" say, is what life is all about !
With love and best wishes, to all ..... Happy Christmas.