We are half way through the chemotherapy - and when I say 'we' of course I mean Jane, who is as strong, amazing and more beautiful than ever.
With each session of drugs so far, it seems to take longer than last time to feel normal again, though of course real "normal" won't be for a while yet.
The drugs in the chemotherapy treatment so far are
- fluorouracil (also called 5FU)
- docetaxel (also called Taxotere ®) (FEC-T from the initials of the drugs name)
The side effects include risk of infection, bruising, feeling or being sick, diarrhoea, sore mouth, anaemia, loss of appetite, taste change, hair loss, sore eyes, skin changes and of course,desperate tiredness and aching bones.
This is what I am watching my daughter suffer, and this is why I feel useless. It's past the time of trite comments of "why her and not me ?" and wishing that I could take it from her - any parent feels this when their child is suffering.
I follow Kristen Hallenga at coppafeel and marvel at her charity work and enthusiasm.
I have read so many blogs and articles by so many brave and incredible people diagnosed and living with cancer, that anything I dare to write seems irreverent and unworthy of being read by anyone.
Each of us experiences cancer and it's effects differently, whether we are the person diagnosed or the family and friends, I know that.
But I don't read about mother's who cry uncontrollably, have nightmares and panic attacks about not helping their child, and who run to their own ageing mother to unburden themselves of the feelings of grief, guilt and shame at the helplessness. (Added to this is the fact that my daughter has been through this with her own child years ago when he was three years old - and coped)
So, this is for those - if there are any, other than me - who aren't handling the situation of a loved one with cancer too well. Perhaps there are others who are not only feeling useless but keeping those feelings to themselves too.
I am not able to do that, but maybe it helps someone somewhere to know they are not alone in their feelings.